Getting there..

I can feel it.. and it makes me excited.. I'm quite close to the point where I'll actually stop caring.. I know it's a weird post, but I just had to write it down.. :D

I want to get on with my life real soon.

A few things are happening on the job front as well.. I'll update when I have something substantial to talk about.

Last Three Weeks

It hasn't been too bad for the last three weeks.. surprisingly and seriously.. True, I was kind of pre-occupied with stuff but emotionally I've been stable.

She came here at the start of August and stayed for two weeks. She reached late on Friday night and called me the next day. I was talking to her on phone after whole 2 months. I was not overwhelmed, neither was she. We kept it civil, talked about general stuff.

The next day she asked me out for coffee in the evening. It was nice to see her again.. She hugged me when she saw me.. We talked for a long time. It made me smile to see that her habits are still the same. Her favourite coffee, still the same.. Latte - half strength, decaf, with trimmed milk. And she still remembers my Mocha. Her indecisiveness about all the things.. it's still there.. We kept talking and it was almost dinnertime. She asked me to stay for dinner too. I did and we kept talking.

Somehow both of us followed an unwritten rule of not talking about relationships. We kept that subject out of our conversations.

During those two weeks we kept calling each other frequently and seeing each other whenever we could. I gave her a gift for her birthday in next month, and she was pleasantly, genuinely surprised. She liked it. I was happy.

I was talking to her one day and I told her that I was not feeling like going to work the next day and I might take a sick leave. She unexpectedly asked me to spend the day with her then. So the next day I took a sick leave and went to her place. We took her dog for a walk. Then she cooked lunch for me.. This was something she has wanted to do for a long time, since the time when we were together.. and finally she got a chance to do it now... Then we sat around talking for some time. Went to play tennis in the evening, had a drink after that and then she dropped me home.

We had our biggest fight till date on the next day... It started off with something trivial and it got escalated. Both of us said nasty things to each other. And finally she said, "see.. this is why it is not going to work out between us.." I could not find a proper response to it.. I tried to say that it's not true.. but that was the end of discussion.. I let it go..

She invited me for a dinner with her friends later that week. This is another thing she has wanted to do for quite some time.. introduce me to her close ones.. That she did.. I had to endure a few awkward questions at the time of introduction, like 'oh.. so YOU are the boyfriend!'.. I said no, that's not me.. That night she was wearing a jacket two of us had bought together long back.. and also the scarf.. my gift.. she specifically showed it to me.. Those looked good on her.. Again, it made me smile.. At the end of the night, she gave me a hug and her friends were like "That's a real 'friendly' hug.. we can see that.." Anyway I let it go again.. But I did feel sad to see her leave..

After she went back, she kept to herself for a couple of days but then resumed contact again.. I was alright with this the whole time.. I think I've really gotten over her now.. Probably the worst is over and I can get on with my life again...

Consistency Please

So, after having the previous conversation with her, I start avoiding her. I do not log on to gtalk or windows messenger, and I have long ceased starting up a conversation from my side either on messenger or email. Then I get an email from her the other day, and guess what it says..

"So you are just going to ignore and not talk to me now?"....

This is brilliant. Seems like every single thing going wrong between us is my fault now. This is absolutely brilliant. I seem to be the immature person over here now, sulking and not talking.. irrespective of what was said that day...

Please show some consistency in your behaviour woman! I am not a saint. I can't always just take it and carry on as if nothing happened..

It's good that I don't care that much anymore...

Maybe somewhere along the line I will stop owing you for hurting you..

Those are the exact words directed towards me.. What did I feel when I heard them? Let me think.. Sadness, anger, disappointment, nostalgia, stress... hurt... Those words are coming from a person who I thought was the best friend I made since leaving home.. and foolishly thought that I was one of the significant people in her life as well.. Knowing me for more than 2 years, sharing all the important things in her life with me during those years, then starting a relationship.. I guess all these things didn't really matter that much.. for her.. she's ready to cut me off as a friend as well.. Good for her, her life doesn't stop for anyone. She won't suffer in life in the same way as I do. I have been weak.

Another thing was said which was just nasty.. She said that it's been all about me till now and I should think about it that sometimes it should be about her as well.. Nicely said. Had I been the same person I was 2 months back, I would have broken down when she said it. I couldn't believe it that she really said that.. Seriously.. But yeah, I was devastated.. again...

She was really really weird today. Not making much of a sense and being plain nasty. Well, I am not trying to correct her. Let her think that it was all about me. It might make her feel better. Let her be deluded about being on the high ground... It doesn't matter to me anymore..

She has finally done it. I had thought that she would do it after her visit to her family and friends and me.. but she has done it already. She hasn't said it in words but the hostility towards me was there to be seen.. She successfully implied that I am not a part of her life anymore and she is ready to give up the friendship and prepared to be nasty to push me away.

It's good that I have been telling myself that it's not going to work out. True, I am not in the right frame of mind right now but I am not too bad. I can pull myself together after this post. It is not going to be very difficult. I know that. Because if I say that I don't give a toss about this whole thing, then right now it won't be totally far from the truth. I have not yet stopped caring, but I am getting there. And I will be there soon.

I don't know if I will see her when she is here or not. It's a tough call. Maybe I'll leave it to her. Let her decide. Let me concentrate on my job hunt. Right now I don't know what we are to each other. Officially we are nothing more than acquaintances. It's a weird feeling I must say, for the reasons mentioned in this and the previous posts.. A few days back I was talking one of the girls I know from family friends. She said that I and my ex were mentioned in a conversation somewhere. They were saying that we are dating. She wanted to know if it is true. I just laughed it off and moved on...

Now just when I am writing this, i.e. a couple of hours after the conversation, she sent me a txt.. Said she's sorry for the outburst, she's stressed and asked me not to take it the wrong way. But never said that she didn't mean it.. So yeah, she still means it. She is prepared to cut me off... So that's that then.. It's pretty much all over..

Today's conversation was not really depressing.. it was infuriating... I had always thought that she was an emotional but understanding person.. now I think she's just shallow.. when we broke up, it was all sweet talk, probably the typical "it's not you, it's me.." thing.. said that she's too attached to me to stop talking to me.. finally it was all just talk, no substance.

It is ironic that this situation reminds of the lines from a song I know because of her..

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
(Good Riddance by Green Day)

It has been an important lesson. Just that it cost me a few months' time to learn these things.. I'll remember them from now on.. I'm not likely to forget this lesson very easily.

Anyway, this post is getting a bit too long and kind of wandering off the topic.. I'll stop.

The sooner I get away from this city, the better...

Neither here, nor there...

That has been the case with me for the last 3 or 4 months.. I thought I was having a long distance relationship, never realising that the intensity of the feelings was not quite the same from her side.. and eventually she opted to get out out of it.. I am still hoping that she will come back some time... But now she has given me a distinct timeline... and the feeling of being stressed is back again... This time it is anticipation... I could have gone on hoping and hoping, but now I know that within 5 weeks of time, I will know for sure if I should keep hoping or accept defeat... By then, she is going to tell me if there is any chance we can be together again or it's never going to happen...

I am preparing myself for the worst... I am thinking about what I will say when she will tell me that I have lost... Thinking how I will deal with it... If I will be able to talk to her normally again or not... Will I hate her? Would I be able to endure it or would I break down... I am trying to visualise all scenarios... everything that would happen when the bad news comes... Everything related to my defeat... That's all I am thinking..

Even though there is a possibility that there might be some hope for me after that, I am not thinking about it. I cannot deal with the heartbreak that comes with the disappointment.. I am not putting all my hopes on that day because if I do it and I lose, then I am not strong enough to accept the defeat in the same way again... I have endured the disappointment once, and it has given me the worst 2 months of my life... I can't put myself through it again... I will not.. I do not deserve it...

There is curiosity about her decision.. Of course it is more than just curiosity.. There is some anticipation, but it is anticipation of defeat... the 'end of the road' defeat... not a temporary one..

Right now there is only one strong hope.. The hope that I have become strong enough to accept it, endure it.. but still cherish the time I spent with her.. and keeping those fond memories in a safe corner of my mind, I am able to move on... That's all I hope for...

I want out..

Another impulsive thing... I don't know what made me do it, but I did it anyway.. Today I formally informed my manager that I am trying to get a move away from the city... There.. All my team mates at work knew about it, but it was all informal till today. Now that I've done it, it could get escalated to people high up and I have no idea how those guys react to such a thing... It can have serious implications on my career.. It could make life easier for me or it might stall my progress... I don't know what is going to happen...

Trying to be level headed again

It has been more than a month since the break up. I think it is safe to say that I am fairly alright now. I have stopped calling up friends and talking about it. I would like to think that they are happy because I am finding my way out and they no longer need to sit there listening to me, not knowing what to say. I never expected them to say anything about it, just wanted them to listen. And that's what all of them did. They offered support unconditionally. Some of them told me that this relationship might not have been a good idea after all.. I don't know if it is right, but I am grateful to all of them anyway. It would have been much more difficult if I had nobody to talk to.. and in this case, talking to family was not an option because of some particular reasons...

Especially one of my childhood friends, who is probably the best friend I have, made sure that I never felt lonely or left out after it happened. She made it a point to call me almost every day. She is the one who offered the best advice which helped me a lot.. and also asked me to be strong and sort myself out because in the end it was upto me to get out of it... She kept telling me that I am the most level headed guy she knows and she prefers me that way. She said she could not believe it that I am going to pieces because of a girl.. She thought I had better self control.. but these things happen.. I could not help it.. I cannot thank her enough for everything she did for me. I am sure that she asked my brother to look after me before he left home and came here.. She was there for me 24x7 when I needed her most.. I called her whenever I felt depressed and she always answered my calls, even though some of them were made at really odd times. Thanks for everything...

I am just about getting on the path to return to normality, and now within a month I am going to see my ex again. She says she's looking forward to seeing me. I know she means it.. but I am not getting restless over it. I am taking it as it comes, keeping my head steady, preparing myself to meet her as a friend. I know it is going to be awkward but I'm sure I will manage that. When she asked me if I wanted to see her, I could not say no.. It is going to be kind of painful and not seeing her again might seem a better idea to some, but I cannot say no to her. That is one weakness I am yet to overcome.

Apart from all this emotional instability, my job hunt goes on as usual. Nothing new on that front, just going ahead with my weekly applications. This recession has really slowed the things down. Last year recruitment consultants were calling me with job offers when I didn't want a move.. and now I am calling them asking for a move and they can't help me. I'm just hoping to get out out of this city soon. I want to see new places and enjoy life before I get too old...

That's all for now, that's all I can think about at the moment. I will post again when another impulse makes me do it.

EDIT:
Just yesterday I posted here saying that I am getting alright and today she talks to me, a few things are said, it gets awkward, both of us get stressed and the day turns gloomy... Just when I was having a few good days and thinking positively, something like this happens and I lose motivation to get out of it... Sigh.. I feel like screaming and breaking something.....

I terribly miss my dog back home.... suddenly feel like going back...

Plans for the immediate future

I have been looking for a new job since March. Every week I send out at least 15 to 20 applications, all related to my skills and uptil now I have not received a single positive response. I have already done more than 200 and astonishingly I am still going strong, still sending out applications, beautifying my CV every now and then and hoping to get a good answer every week. Still haven't given up, haven't got frustrated, haven't lost hope.

I come from from a very closely knit religious extended family who believe in staying together , doing most of the things together and frown upon spending a lot of time with friends, late night outs and stuff like that. But since my childhood, I have been a loner. I am not religious, I do not approve of the rituals being performed on certain days of the year and everyone in the family is expected to stay at home, ignoring any other commitments/planned events. I do not like these things and I want to experience staying alone. I wish to live my life on my own terms.

I want to leave this town, go away and work somewhere else.. Live there with no strings attached.. My brother was trying to move here for his studies.. Now that his passage is clear, I do not have any more concerns..

The only thing I'm concentrating on right now is getting a new job. I have identified a position in Australia within the same company, which is almost perfect for my profile. The work involved is almost exactly the same as what I'm doing now and I also have a decent level of experience in the role here. So I have slightly high expectations from this one... waiting for an answer eagerly this time..

It's complicated..

After things got weird between us, she had set her relationship status on her facebook profile as 'its complicated'. It was there for a long time.. Today she removed that section. Does that mean it's not complicated anymore?... I don't know...

Why do I talk to her?

Last night she sent me a txt saying that she misses talking to me. It used to happen that I expected her txt in the night to wake me up and after that we used to chat for a long time. But last night I was not expecting any thing of that kind so I didn't notice it. I saw it in the morning when my alarm went off. I read it again and again for a number of times... wondering what my reply should be...

I have always been very sensitive about her.. Even before we got together, though it lasted for a very short time, I have always tried to say things which would make her feel better.. and I have meant every single one of them.. After we expressed our interest in each other, the conversations got closer to heart.. I missed her terribly when she was not here.. I used to tell her that all the time.. In reply to that, sometimes she said that she misses me too and sometimes she just said 'i know..' But whenever she said that she misses me, I always made a point to tell her that I have the same feeling for her. I never let it pass just like that... until today...

I replied to her txt saying that we need to give ourselves some time to get back to normal.. being friends again... That's all I said.. Because I really didn't miss her that bad today.. in the morning.. So when I sent her that txt, it didn't hurt...

While I was at work, she came online and we talked for a while. But that was random stuff. After I came home, she was online and she started the conversation. I am making a point not to start it from my side and till now it's holding good. So today she started it, this and that.. asked me what I was doing.. she is feeling depressed and everything... And I was supposed to listen to her and offer some kind words as a good friend would do... I did exactly that... But doesn't she realise that I'm not 'just' a friend? We were more than that... and it's not easy to snap out of it and go back to being friends again....

She keeps telling me about how important I am in her life.. she feels so comfortable while talking to me about everything.. but it is frustrating for me.. I still have feelings towards her... I'm trying to move on.. I do not call her, txt her.. I never initiate contact.. but she does.. and I cannot reject her when she wants to talk to me...

She's coming here sometime soon and she told me today that meeting me is the priority... I laughed and was tempted to say 'whatever'.. but I still cannot hurt her by saying such things... I just said yeah, we'll see.. And after a long time, I said that I still miss her... She said she does too... I know I'm hurting myself by doing it..

Why do I talk to her?...

First post

Here it goes then. My first post on my blog.. my first step into the blogging world. One of my long time friends had asked me to create a blog some time back and it has been lingering, so today I decided to start it at least. This post might not be a big one, but it serves the purpose of posting something. I am planning to write here whenever and about whatever I feel like. Not necessarily chronological events but my thoughts just as they come. I think that's about it for now. Let us see when I feel like posting again...