Neither here, nor there...

That has been the case with me for the last 3 or 4 months.. I thought I was having a long distance relationship, never realising that the intensity of the feelings was not quite the same from her side.. and eventually she opted to get out out of it.. I am still hoping that she will come back some time... But now she has given me a distinct timeline... and the feeling of being stressed is back again... This time it is anticipation... I could have gone on hoping and hoping, but now I know that within 5 weeks of time, I will know for sure if I should keep hoping or accept defeat... By then, she is going to tell me if there is any chance we can be together again or it's never going to happen...

I am preparing myself for the worst... I am thinking about what I will say when she will tell me that I have lost... Thinking how I will deal with it... If I will be able to talk to her normally again or not... Will I hate her? Would I be able to endure it or would I break down... I am trying to visualise all scenarios... everything that would happen when the bad news comes... Everything related to my defeat... That's all I am thinking..

Even though there is a possibility that there might be some hope for me after that, I am not thinking about it. I cannot deal with the heartbreak that comes with the disappointment.. I am not putting all my hopes on that day because if I do it and I lose, then I am not strong enough to accept the defeat in the same way again... I have endured the disappointment once, and it has given me the worst 2 months of my life... I can't put myself through it again... I will not.. I do not deserve it...

There is curiosity about her decision.. Of course it is more than just curiosity.. There is some anticipation, but it is anticipation of defeat... the 'end of the road' defeat... not a temporary one..

Right now there is only one strong hope.. The hope that I have become strong enough to accept it, endure it.. but still cherish the time I spent with her.. and keeping those fond memories in a safe corner of my mind, I am able to move on... That's all I hope for...