Maybe somewhere along the line I will stop owing you for hurting you..

Those are the exact words directed towards me.. What did I feel when I heard them? Let me think.. Sadness, anger, disappointment, nostalgia, stress... hurt... Those words are coming from a person who I thought was the best friend I made since leaving home.. and foolishly thought that I was one of the significant people in her life as well.. Knowing me for more than 2 years, sharing all the important things in her life with me during those years, then starting a relationship.. I guess all these things didn't really matter that much.. for her.. she's ready to cut me off as a friend as well.. Good for her, her life doesn't stop for anyone. She won't suffer in life in the same way as I do. I have been weak.

Another thing was said which was just nasty.. She said that it's been all about me till now and I should think about it that sometimes it should be about her as well.. Nicely said. Had I been the same person I was 2 months back, I would have broken down when she said it. I couldn't believe it that she really said that.. Seriously.. But yeah, I was devastated.. again...

She was really really weird today. Not making much of a sense and being plain nasty. Well, I am not trying to correct her. Let her think that it was all about me. It might make her feel better. Let her be deluded about being on the high ground... It doesn't matter to me anymore..

She has finally done it. I had thought that she would do it after her visit to her family and friends and me.. but she has done it already. She hasn't said it in words but the hostility towards me was there to be seen.. She successfully implied that I am not a part of her life anymore and she is ready to give up the friendship and prepared to be nasty to push me away.

It's good that I have been telling myself that it's not going to work out. True, I am not in the right frame of mind right now but I am not too bad. I can pull myself together after this post. It is not going to be very difficult. I know that. Because if I say that I don't give a toss about this whole thing, then right now it won't be totally far from the truth. I have not yet stopped caring, but I am getting there. And I will be there soon.

I don't know if I will see her when she is here or not. It's a tough call. Maybe I'll leave it to her. Let her decide. Let me concentrate on my job hunt. Right now I don't know what we are to each other. Officially we are nothing more than acquaintances. It's a weird feeling I must say, for the reasons mentioned in this and the previous posts.. A few days back I was talking one of the girls I know from family friends. She said that I and my ex were mentioned in a conversation somewhere. They were saying that we are dating. She wanted to know if it is true. I just laughed it off and moved on...

Now just when I am writing this, i.e. a couple of hours after the conversation, she sent me a txt.. Said she's sorry for the outburst, she's stressed and asked me not to take it the wrong way. But never said that she didn't mean it.. So yeah, she still means it. She is prepared to cut me off... So that's that then.. It's pretty much all over..

Today's conversation was not really depressing.. it was infuriating... I had always thought that she was an emotional but understanding person.. now I think she's just shallow.. when we broke up, it was all sweet talk, probably the typical "it's not you, it's me.." thing.. said that she's too attached to me to stop talking to me.. finally it was all just talk, no substance.

It is ironic that this situation reminds of the lines from a song I know because of her..

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
(Good Riddance by Green Day)

It has been an important lesson. Just that it cost me a few months' time to learn these things.. I'll remember them from now on.. I'm not likely to forget this lesson very easily.

Anyway, this post is getting a bit too long and kind of wandering off the topic.. I'll stop.

The sooner I get away from this city, the better...