Consistency Please

So, after having the previous conversation with her, I start avoiding her. I do not log on to gtalk or windows messenger, and I have long ceased starting up a conversation from my side either on messenger or email. Then I get an email from her the other day, and guess what it says..

"So you are just going to ignore and not talk to me now?"....

This is brilliant. Seems like every single thing going wrong between us is my fault now. This is absolutely brilliant. I seem to be the immature person over here now, sulking and not talking.. irrespective of what was said that day...

Please show some consistency in your behaviour woman! I am not a saint. I can't always just take it and carry on as if nothing happened..

It's good that I don't care that much anymore...

Maybe somewhere along the line I will stop owing you for hurting you..

Those are the exact words directed towards me.. What did I feel when I heard them? Let me think.. Sadness, anger, disappointment, nostalgia, stress... hurt... Those words are coming from a person who I thought was the best friend I made since leaving home.. and foolishly thought that I was one of the significant people in her life as well.. Knowing me for more than 2 years, sharing all the important things in her life with me during those years, then starting a relationship.. I guess all these things didn't really matter that much.. for her.. she's ready to cut me off as a friend as well.. Good for her, her life doesn't stop for anyone. She won't suffer in life in the same way as I do. I have been weak.

Another thing was said which was just nasty.. She said that it's been all about me till now and I should think about it that sometimes it should be about her as well.. Nicely said. Had I been the same person I was 2 months back, I would have broken down when she said it. I couldn't believe it that she really said that.. Seriously.. But yeah, I was devastated.. again...

She was really really weird today. Not making much of a sense and being plain nasty. Well, I am not trying to correct her. Let her think that it was all about me. It might make her feel better. Let her be deluded about being on the high ground... It doesn't matter to me anymore..

She has finally done it. I had thought that she would do it after her visit to her family and friends and me.. but she has done it already. She hasn't said it in words but the hostility towards me was there to be seen.. She successfully implied that I am not a part of her life anymore and she is ready to give up the friendship and prepared to be nasty to push me away.

It's good that I have been telling myself that it's not going to work out. True, I am not in the right frame of mind right now but I am not too bad. I can pull myself together after this post. It is not going to be very difficult. I know that. Because if I say that I don't give a toss about this whole thing, then right now it won't be totally far from the truth. I have not yet stopped caring, but I am getting there. And I will be there soon.

I don't know if I will see her when she is here or not. It's a tough call. Maybe I'll leave it to her. Let her decide. Let me concentrate on my job hunt. Right now I don't know what we are to each other. Officially we are nothing more than acquaintances. It's a weird feeling I must say, for the reasons mentioned in this and the previous posts.. A few days back I was talking one of the girls I know from family friends. She said that I and my ex were mentioned in a conversation somewhere. They were saying that we are dating. She wanted to know if it is true. I just laughed it off and moved on...

Now just when I am writing this, i.e. a couple of hours after the conversation, she sent me a txt.. Said she's sorry for the outburst, she's stressed and asked me not to take it the wrong way. But never said that she didn't mean it.. So yeah, she still means it. She is prepared to cut me off... So that's that then.. It's pretty much all over..

Today's conversation was not really depressing.. it was infuriating... I had always thought that she was an emotional but understanding person.. now I think she's just shallow.. when we broke up, it was all sweet talk, probably the typical "it's not you, it's me.." thing.. said that she's too attached to me to stop talking to me.. finally it was all just talk, no substance.

It is ironic that this situation reminds of the lines from a song I know because of her..

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
(Good Riddance by Green Day)

It has been an important lesson. Just that it cost me a few months' time to learn these things.. I'll remember them from now on.. I'm not likely to forget this lesson very easily.

Anyway, this post is getting a bit too long and kind of wandering off the topic.. I'll stop.

The sooner I get away from this city, the better...

Neither here, nor there...

That has been the case with me for the last 3 or 4 months.. I thought I was having a long distance relationship, never realising that the intensity of the feelings was not quite the same from her side.. and eventually she opted to get out out of it.. I am still hoping that she will come back some time... But now she has given me a distinct timeline... and the feeling of being stressed is back again... This time it is anticipation... I could have gone on hoping and hoping, but now I know that within 5 weeks of time, I will know for sure if I should keep hoping or accept defeat... By then, she is going to tell me if there is any chance we can be together again or it's never going to happen...

I am preparing myself for the worst... I am thinking about what I will say when she will tell me that I have lost... Thinking how I will deal with it... If I will be able to talk to her normally again or not... Will I hate her? Would I be able to endure it or would I break down... I am trying to visualise all scenarios... everything that would happen when the bad news comes... Everything related to my defeat... That's all I am thinking..

Even though there is a possibility that there might be some hope for me after that, I am not thinking about it. I cannot deal with the heartbreak that comes with the disappointment.. I am not putting all my hopes on that day because if I do it and I lose, then I am not strong enough to accept the defeat in the same way again... I have endured the disappointment once, and it has given me the worst 2 months of my life... I can't put myself through it again... I will not.. I do not deserve it...

There is curiosity about her decision.. Of course it is more than just curiosity.. There is some anticipation, but it is anticipation of defeat... the 'end of the road' defeat... not a temporary one..

Right now there is only one strong hope.. The hope that I have become strong enough to accept it, endure it.. but still cherish the time I spent with her.. and keeping those fond memories in a safe corner of my mind, I am able to move on... That's all I hope for...

I want out..

Another impulsive thing... I don't know what made me do it, but I did it anyway.. Today I formally informed my manager that I am trying to get a move away from the city... There.. All my team mates at work knew about it, but it was all informal till today. Now that I've done it, it could get escalated to people high up and I have no idea how those guys react to such a thing... It can have serious implications on my career.. It could make life easier for me or it might stall my progress... I don't know what is going to happen...

Trying to be level headed again

It has been more than a month since the break up. I think it is safe to say that I am fairly alright now. I have stopped calling up friends and talking about it. I would like to think that they are happy because I am finding my way out and they no longer need to sit there listening to me, not knowing what to say. I never expected them to say anything about it, just wanted them to listen. And that's what all of them did. They offered support unconditionally. Some of them told me that this relationship might not have been a good idea after all.. I don't know if it is right, but I am grateful to all of them anyway. It would have been much more difficult if I had nobody to talk to.. and in this case, talking to family was not an option because of some particular reasons...

Especially one of my childhood friends, who is probably the best friend I have, made sure that I never felt lonely or left out after it happened. She made it a point to call me almost every day. She is the one who offered the best advice which helped me a lot.. and also asked me to be strong and sort myself out because in the end it was upto me to get out of it... She kept telling me that I am the most level headed guy she knows and she prefers me that way. She said she could not believe it that I am going to pieces because of a girl.. She thought I had better self control.. but these things happen.. I could not help it.. I cannot thank her enough for everything she did for me. I am sure that she asked my brother to look after me before he left home and came here.. She was there for me 24x7 when I needed her most.. I called her whenever I felt depressed and she always answered my calls, even though some of them were made at really odd times. Thanks for everything...

I am just about getting on the path to return to normality, and now within a month I am going to see my ex again. She says she's looking forward to seeing me. I know she means it.. but I am not getting restless over it. I am taking it as it comes, keeping my head steady, preparing myself to meet her as a friend. I know it is going to be awkward but I'm sure I will manage that. When she asked me if I wanted to see her, I could not say no.. It is going to be kind of painful and not seeing her again might seem a better idea to some, but I cannot say no to her. That is one weakness I am yet to overcome.

Apart from all this emotional instability, my job hunt goes on as usual. Nothing new on that front, just going ahead with my weekly applications. This recession has really slowed the things down. Last year recruitment consultants were calling me with job offers when I didn't want a move.. and now I am calling them asking for a move and they can't help me. I'm just hoping to get out out of this city soon. I want to see new places and enjoy life before I get too old...

That's all for now, that's all I can think about at the moment. I will post again when another impulse makes me do it.

EDIT:
Just yesterday I posted here saying that I am getting alright and today she talks to me, a few things are said, it gets awkward, both of us get stressed and the day turns gloomy... Just when I was having a few good days and thinking positively, something like this happens and I lose motivation to get out of it... Sigh.. I feel like screaming and breaking something.....

I terribly miss my dog back home.... suddenly feel like going back...