Plans for the immediate future

I have been looking for a new job since March. Every week I send out at least 15 to 20 applications, all related to my skills and uptil now I have not received a single positive response. I have already done more than 200 and astonishingly I am still going strong, still sending out applications, beautifying my CV every now and then and hoping to get a good answer every week. Still haven't given up, haven't got frustrated, haven't lost hope.

I come from from a very closely knit religious extended family who believe in staying together , doing most of the things together and frown upon spending a lot of time with friends, late night outs and stuff like that. But since my childhood, I have been a loner. I am not religious, I do not approve of the rituals being performed on certain days of the year and everyone in the family is expected to stay at home, ignoring any other commitments/planned events. I do not like these things and I want to experience staying alone. I wish to live my life on my own terms.

I want to leave this town, go away and work somewhere else.. Live there with no strings attached.. My brother was trying to move here for his studies.. Now that his passage is clear, I do not have any more concerns..

The only thing I'm concentrating on right now is getting a new job. I have identified a position in Australia within the same company, which is almost perfect for my profile. The work involved is almost exactly the same as what I'm doing now and I also have a decent level of experience in the role here. So I have slightly high expectations from this one... waiting for an answer eagerly this time..

It's complicated..

After things got weird between us, she had set her relationship status on her facebook profile as 'its complicated'. It was there for a long time.. Today she removed that section. Does that mean it's not complicated anymore?... I don't know...

Why do I talk to her?

Last night she sent me a txt saying that she misses talking to me. It used to happen that I expected her txt in the night to wake me up and after that we used to chat for a long time. But last night I was not expecting any thing of that kind so I didn't notice it. I saw it in the morning when my alarm went off. I read it again and again for a number of times... wondering what my reply should be...

I have always been very sensitive about her.. Even before we got together, though it lasted for a very short time, I have always tried to say things which would make her feel better.. and I have meant every single one of them.. After we expressed our interest in each other, the conversations got closer to heart.. I missed her terribly when she was not here.. I used to tell her that all the time.. In reply to that, sometimes she said that she misses me too and sometimes she just said 'i know..' But whenever she said that she misses me, I always made a point to tell her that I have the same feeling for her. I never let it pass just like that... until today...

I replied to her txt saying that we need to give ourselves some time to get back to normal.. being friends again... That's all I said.. Because I really didn't miss her that bad today.. in the morning.. So when I sent her that txt, it didn't hurt...

While I was at work, she came online and we talked for a while. But that was random stuff. After I came home, she was online and she started the conversation. I am making a point not to start it from my side and till now it's holding good. So today she started it, this and that.. asked me what I was doing.. she is feeling depressed and everything... And I was supposed to listen to her and offer some kind words as a good friend would do... I did exactly that... But doesn't she realise that I'm not 'just' a friend? We were more than that... and it's not easy to snap out of it and go back to being friends again....

She keeps telling me about how important I am in her life.. she feels so comfortable while talking to me about everything.. but it is frustrating for me.. I still have feelings towards her... I'm trying to move on.. I do not call her, txt her.. I never initiate contact.. but she does.. and I cannot reject her when she wants to talk to me...

She's coming here sometime soon and she told me today that meeting me is the priority... I laughed and was tempted to say 'whatever'.. but I still cannot hurt her by saying such things... I just said yeah, we'll see.. And after a long time, I said that I still miss her... She said she does too... I know I'm hurting myself by doing it..

Why do I talk to her?...

First post

Here it goes then. My first post on my blog.. my first step into the blogging world. One of my long time friends had asked me to create a blog some time back and it has been lingering, so today I decided to start it at least. This post might not be a big one, but it serves the purpose of posting something. I am planning to write here whenever and about whatever I feel like. Not necessarily chronological events but my thoughts just as they come. I think that's about it for now. Let us see when I feel like posting again...